Dr. David

I've made the decision that from now on I will allow David Lynch to speak for me on all matters media, and otherwise. Maestro...

So buddy, how do you feel about product placement?



How about human consciousness?



What a coincidence, that is just what I was about to say!

"This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."

I could attempt a lengthy and insightful rant on the media's recent obsession with "portabl-izing" movies and television, but rather than spend unnecessary time contemplating how to most effectively put across my point, I'll allow Mr. Lynch to explain. (You know, that David Lynch has always reminded me a bit of myself. I've always had a thing for transcendental meditation, and a complete lack of connection with reality.)

Kucinich Goes West: An American Tail

If the mass media has truly accomplished anything over the course of it's lengthy existence, it is to have successfully established a distinction between what is an acceptable world leader and what isn't - at least when it comes to physical apperance. Here we have Dennis Kucinich; a small, peaceful, gnome-like vegan with a smoking hot wife (a mystical entity which I myself will probably never be lucky enough to come in contact with). Dennis Kucinich is currently running for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States of America. Of course, as I'm sure all of us have realized, Mr. Kucinich's efforts are futile. For alas, Dennis Kucinich is a short, scrawny man of Asian descent. Juxtaposed to Barrack Obama's strong, sturdy demeanor, Hillary Clinton's somewhat feminine, yet robust sensibilities, and John Edwards' eerily (and most likely cosmetically enhanced) youthful glow, Kucinich comes off as nothing less than the transfer student you used to beat up in the 7th grade for playing D&D in the boys' bathroom at lunch (literally; word on the streets is that over the last few months he's suffered innumerable swirlies at the hands of Alaskan Senator Mike Gravel). In the new millenium, image is everything. The rampant success of visual media and the introduction of television into the political landscape has managed to completely shift the focus of politics a full 360 degrees from the ideology and ability of the Presidential candidates, to their ability to withstand pressure under heat lamps.

The sad truth of the matter is Kucinich hasn't a chance in hell of winning the nomation, let alone the Presidency. It is no coincidence that men with as perfectly manicured coifs and chiseled jaw lines as Mitt Romney are leading the political pack nowadays; the public has no choice but to absorb the images presented to them, and it's obvious that on a subconscious level, everyone is going to react to someone like John Edwards or Mitt Romney more positively than someone like Kucinich or Ron Paul. Edwards and Romney's classic good looks, strong builds, and sparkling eyes (no doubt filled with the hopes and dreams of millions of poverty-stricken, disadvantaged crippled children) speak to the unrealized adolescent in all of us, who secretly desires the all-American father figure. The American people desire a President who can glide seemlessly between wood-chopping and peace treaty-negotiating, a President who can lull you into a restless slumber using only the sound of his oh-so melodic voice but who also looks good in a speedo, a man who can act as the ethical and religious (yes, they are different things) compass of America but who you still wouldn't mind knocking back a drink or two with on the weekends. This, in essence, is Mitt Romney, John Edwards, Barrack Obama (if you wouldn't mind having to watch your weekend drinking partner "get funky" to Sly & The Family Stone after just two sips of non-alcoholic beer, and then pass out in the floor of your car in a puddle of his own vomit), and a few other of the current Presidential front-runners. Unfortunately for them, candidates such as Ron Paul, Dennis Kucinitch, and Chris Dodd (to name a few) do not exactly ooze strength, determination, and wood-chopping skills. Rather, they're personalities are more reminiscent of the smelly kid in your high school chemistry class or Ricky, that weird guy who's been working at the neighborhood Shop N' Save since the 1940's. Because of this, candidates such as these are doomed to a life of (to put this lightly) dissapointment and shattered dreams. Because you've seen pictures and videos of these candidates, you probably don't blame anyone who wouldn't be super keen to vote for them, right? I mean realy, would you want to see Tom Tancredo in a one-piece?

In many ways, television has improved the American political process; allowing candidates' views to reach a wider variety of people and keep them better informed. But finally the question is, what is it exactly that the American people are more informed on? Because of television, magazines, and other mass media outlets, does Billy Joe Billy from Hope, Arkansas now know more about our failing health care system and the possible benefits of socialized medicine, or does he just know more about Fred Thompson's lengthy list of acting credits? What is the benefit of all this increased media exposure, and is it beneficial or detrimental to our general understanding of the world around us? Were the ideas and political beliefs of a Presidential candidate expressed more effectively in the age of radio and print? Should I wait until my next paycheck before I buy this selection of Blue Bavarian goat cheese? These and more are questions that we must ask if we wish to preserve our humanity, and our carefully manicured collection of international cheeses.

Sex & Advertising: Two Things Maury Schwaab Knows Nothing About

Hennessy Cognac is the bane of my existence. Well, that and those metal tops on root beer that you have to use a bottle opener for.